torsos:

I don’t give blowjobs I give blowcareers

(Source: rupaulvevo)

poopflow:

A little party never killed nobody (except Jay Gatsby) 

bombliate:

How weird is it to have pets though like a random animal just lives in your house and you can’t communicate with it but you both just accept it

vaspim:

According to sources, it costs about $20,000 to hire an assassin so if you ever think you’re worthless, just remember you’re worth $20,000 to someone out there. Happy holidays guys.

dampsandwich:

Sticks and stones will break my bones because I am a weak ass nerd

vondell-swain:

“Mr. President is it true that you have not fed or played with any of your Neopets in 29 years”

(Source: itsvondell)

americugh:

When a cute boy sneezes I don’t say bless you because I see that God already has

vocaroo:

In the future if my kids tell me that they are gay I’ll just be like “What” because I don’t plan on having any kids so how the hell did they get there

wholocked-theimpala:

The man gazed upon Jesus and said to him, “Is it you? Our lord and savior Jesus Christ?”

and Jesus turned to him and replied, “Bitch I might be”

e-zekiel:

Okay, so today I was at the mall and this girl walking in front of me and tripped and fell and instead of helping her up like a normal person would - I decided to make her feel less embarrassed and fall down too

but I guess another guy had the same idea because we fell at the same time

and then another person fell

and another

and suddenly I was lying in the middle of an impromptu fainting mob and a lot of people were shouting

and the girl who’d originally fallen looked so happy